thisismyveritas:

Whenever I am doing a menial task that is purely physical and requires no cognitive input, to pass the time I like to do color commentary of the world championships of whatever I’m doing, like:

“Ohh it’s a beautiful autumn day here in the front yard of the Ward residence and we are gathered for the 46th annual World Freestyle Raking Championships. Stepping up to the windswept plain of oak leaves now is one of the true masters of the sport of lawn cleaning, an unparalleled artisan with a leaf-rake, a God amongst landscapers, William Ward. A veteran champion and a sure Hall Of Famer, the fans of raking have affectionately come to refer to him as WonderWill. And now that the last leaf has fallen and winter is right around the corner, this will be the final round of this year’s tournament. William will now have one hour to battle the wind and the rain and the neighbor’s poodle whilst trying to collect all of the debris in the front yard and deposit it into these environmentally friendly brown bag things in the most artistic and elaborate fashion. As you can see by the beginning of his routine, William employs a unique technique in his raking style. While most competitors rake downhill to use the wind and the gravity to their advantage, our Champion here actually rakes uphill, isn’t that right Jim? Yes Mike, he told us before the start of today’s event that he likes to work uphill because it keeps the leaves from blowing away, the hill works in his favor to keep the leaves together. Of course, William is the only competitor who could ever attempt this technique because it requires such great strength to rake uphill and he’s the only one with the strong, bulging muscles required. Combine this strategy with William’s patented move of using a snow-shovel in a pincer-like move to pick up the leaves, and you have pretty impressive landscaping. Jim, I’ve been commentating on this sport for a few decades now and I have seen all the moves in the book. The vast majority of competitors in history have all used one hand to hold the leaves against the rake as their pick-up move. Will revolutionized the sport when he started using the snow-shovel and the rake together like a pair of salad-tongs or chopsticks. Now everyone uses his move. Well Mike, it’s like that old saying goes: there are imitators, there are emulators, but no one will ever do it like the originator. But as you can see now in the waning minutes of the round, even the gods can tire after that much effort. William is slowing down, his strokes of the rake are becoming labored and clumsy. In addition to that, he has been battling a stiff breeze all day that will surely put him at a disadvantage against his competitors if he hopes to repeat as world champion. But wait. Wait. WAIT! WHAT IS THIS? MIKE DID YOU JUST SEE THAT? YES I DID JIM, HE JUST SWITCHED HANDS. WILL JUST SWITCHED HANDS! THE LIFETIME SOUTHPAW HAS STARTED RAKING RIGHTY! THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED. IN THE 46 YEAR HISTORY OF THE SPORT I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN AMBIDEXTROUS RAKER. AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE IS JUST AS STRONG WITH HIS OFF HAND. RAKING WITH THE OPPOSITE HAND USES THE OPPOSITE MUSCLES. WHILE HIS LEFTY MUSCLES ARE ON THE EDGE OF FAILURE WITH FATIGUE, HIS RIGHTY MUSCLES ARE FRESH. IT’S THE PERFECT STRATEGY. WILLIAM WARD IS STORMING AHEAD OF THE FIELD, THE CLOCK IS TICKING DOWN TOWARDS ZERO AND HE’S ONLY GETTING FASTER. THIS IS AMAZING! I DARE SAY THAT WE MIGHT END UP WITH A PERFECT LAWN. IT HAS NEVER BEEN DONE, NO ONE HAS EVER DARED DREAM OF IT. BUT WILLIAM WARD IS JUST MINUTES, NO SECONDS FROM A PERFECT LAWN. THE WIND’S DIED DOWN, NO NEW LEAVES ARE BLOWING IN, THE LAWN LOOKS SPOTLESS AND ALL THAT’S LEFT IS THE PILE AT HIS FEET. AND HE’S GOT IT, HE’S IN CONTROL. 30 SECONDS LEFT. IN A YEAR THAT HAS BEEN SO IMPROBABLE, THE IMPOSSIBLE IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. GO CRAZY, FOLKS! 10 SECONDS LEFT! I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I AM SEEING. FIVE SECONDS LEFT IN THE ROUND, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?…NO? HE PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET! BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! SEND IT IN JEROME. HE DID IT, IT’S ALL OVER. A PERFECT LAWN. I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL OVER, I THOUGHT THE CHAMPION WAS GOING TO HANG UP HIS CROWN. IT LOOKED LIKE THE ROUND WAS OVER. WELL, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D LIVE TO SEE THE DAY….I’M JUST AT A LOSS FOR WORDS…. GOD..BLESS…AMERICA!…**(audible crying/sobbing)**…. GOD BLESS AMERICA!”